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Widowers be careful!

by Tamara Greiner
(Suffolk, Virginia)

I was greatly hurt by loving a widwoer who had 3 (ages 13-7 yrs) children and lost his wife to cancer after being wed more than 12 years. He and the children wanted me to do most things like her. I did sometimes but other times I was just being me. Too happy go lucky, trying to make them feel comfy, redecorating was a no no but discovered that later, too friendly and giving too much of myself. I loved them but they slowly rejected me. I ignore the actions and proceeded with the children's father, my husband, and my widower. He eventually left me emotionally and began to hate me cause I was so different from his wife. His complaints...I cleaned too much, I wore makeup, too uptight,not religious enough, he did not support me emotionally. I finally realized I was not what he wanted in the end as a wife. I was doing ok trying to fit in to continue despite his nontalking, stonewalling, noncuddling and so many signs he did not truly love me as a friend or person. . Actually all of them ignored me but their family dog. I dealt a load of hurt and tried to reason with him to love and like me. But he was not in deep true committed love with me. I was not the type of woman he liked. Finally after I asked the widower if he loved me he remained silent and asked me to leave the home 3 different times; I was not wanted any more, I was crushed, besides I had documented proof he did not love me anymore. I packed up my belongings and left. It hurt the children and me but the widower got what he wanted; a new wife now-a replacement who looks more like his last wife. He has moved on to another woman; actually proposed before divorcing me and 2 weeks after I left the home. Widowers can be a strange breed. Only mistake I made was giving of my heart and enegry to a widower and his children. Never again!

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Oct 27, 2015
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superiorrpapers
by: Anonymous

Some relations getting so much difficulties in our life and effect our life badly so we should pay proper attantion on paper writer service and when want to take any decison.

Aug 25, 2015
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Dating a widower
by: Anonymous

The comment about the burial plot next to his wife's made me feel better - my boyfriend has mentioned this to me a couple of times - doesn't matter now, but I did wonder what would happen if we got married - I did think, oh, no, where would I go?!? So thanks for that comment! I don't feel so bad thinking about that now!

Mar 06, 2015
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I thought I was alone and crazy
by: Anonymous

I have been in so confused these past few weeks, What a comfort to know that others have experienced this.
My widower boyfriend (3 years) and I were dating 7 months.
He begged to be his girlfriend and then he dropped me out of the blue. I haven't heard a word from him in three weeks. In retrospect I should have noticed his fear and reluctance at certain points in our relationship. For example: after the first time we slept together he didn't call me for 4 days.
I tried to show empathy for his pain but that consideration was not returned.
He never said he loved me until the night he broke off our relationship. What a head trip that was.

Feb 03, 2015
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Widowers aren't all bad...
by: Compassionate Widower

I'm a widower. Five months out. About a month ago, I dipped my toe in the water. I severely missed female companionship. Not hookups. Not sex. Not FWB. Just being with a female.

I met a wonderful widow (3 years out). We've hit it off and talk, had dinner once. She has feelings for me, as I do for her. However, I cannot help but thinking of that Hippocratic Oath. "First, do no harm." I will not hurt her and have encouraged her to continue dating others while I sort things out.She understands this and where I am at. So it's what I want, and what she wants- friendship and companionship. I will not lie to her or string things out for my own selfish needs.

My point is this- widowers aren't evil. Conflicted (at best) maybe but certainly not cruel or evil.

Thanks for listening.

Oct 23, 2014
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NEVER date widowers
by: Anonymous

I did the same thing - dated and fell in love with a widower - I wish I had come to this blog earlier and before I started dating widowers. Never again.

Mar 20, 2014
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Never give up
by: Anonymous

Run a mile ... These guys are cruel and will leave you an emotional wreck ... They just need a clone of the deceased wife ... Absolutely forgetting you are a nice understanding person too. Never be number 2 or 3 when you can be number 1

Oct 02, 2013
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Dance with your ego and hold hands with your pride
by: Laureen

They are like being on a emotional roller coster ..I meet my widower 3 yrs ago. We clicked like a hand in glove, after 6 mts he dissapeared we keep phone tx for 2 yrs, then finally hooked up again like we never left each other. Thought it was the beginning of finding out each other and were we were at in life. No he ignored me for 3 weeks ..I went to him and confronted him Had my say and sadly Im trying to move on without him. It should be easy he has never been responsible for any of his feelings or actions,so I could never give them to him again afraid of his actions to my heart. I could of showed him how to live again with kindness love and trust I cannot show him how to be a man.

Jul 21, 2013
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"DGI"
by: Anonymous

"Don't Get It"? Oh, I think we got it alright! Have you not read the posts as to what unsuspecting women are experiencing? Very clearly, we get it, and feel an obligation to share the experience.

May I suggest another acronym? How about FTDWWFY?
(Faithful To Dead Wife While F****** You). Yep! I think that basically sums the whole dating experience with a widower up.

Jul 21, 2013
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ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW
by: Anonymous

At some point in time, anyone that is married becomes a widow/widower.

Until YOUR time comes us widows/widowers refer to
you posters as DGI's. (Don't Get It)

Jul 18, 2013
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Double-Dealing Widowers
by: Kim B

I made the mistake of dating a widower. I met him online, he's an educated professional (as I am, I am a physician). I did notice he wanted a woman with a large salary in his profile! I assumed his wife of 20 years had been gone for some time. It turns out it had only been six months.
He can be really nice (dinners, flowers, cards), but then turn into this evil, cold man at an instant. We separated for awhile, then got back together. It has now been a year. In addition, although he claimed I was the only one, wanted to be exclusive, was possessive of me, and it turns out he has been seeing another woman and sleeping with her.
A few months ago, after a weekend of dates and sex, he pulled away again and said he was "confused" and still healing. He uses the grief as an excuse. He tries texting me and I ignore him. It's pretty clear that he (and a lot of widowers on online dating sites) are:
a. not yet healed and looking for sex and to fill a hole (pun intended)
b. psychotic
c. permanently damaged
d. liars and cheat
d. all of the above

I think a decent man would wait a few years, until he is better, to put himself out there. These guys who just want to sleep around should hire women to service them; not mislead women looking for relationships
Please be very careful and don't expect anything more than heartache for any man who is a widower and online dating.

Apr 28, 2013
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Widower Dating Is Demoralizing
by: Anonymous

OMG! The hierarchy posting really hit home! I am living it now and really wish I had someone to talk with about this whole mess. A mess is the only way I can describe my life. Before this man entered my life I was happy, independent and loved life. Now I am sad and live with a constant feeling of not measuring up to the ideal woman--the deceased wife of coarse! I wish I had known about this stuff before. I had no idea that entering a widowers life would be such a heart wrenching experience. I spend most of my free time remembering how happy I was before, and planning my "escape" to return to that wonderful place. Ladies, if you are dating a widower, please do not marry him unless you have known him and his family for at least 2 full years. If you are "the one" make him wait.

Apr 28, 2013
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Widower Dating Is Demoralizing
by: Anonymous

OMG! The hierarchy posting really hit home! I am living it now and really wish I had someone to talk with about this whole mess. A mess is the only way I can describe my life. Before this man entered my life I was happy, independent and loved life. Now I am sad and live with a constant feeling of not measuring up to the ideal woman--the deceased wife of coarse! I wish I had known about this stuff before. I had no idea that entering a widowers life would be such a heart wrenching experience. I spend most of my free time remembering how happy I was before, and planning my "escape" to return to that wonderful place. Ladies, if you are dating a widower, please do not marry him unless you have known him and his family for at least 2 full years. If you are "the one" make him wait.

Apr 28, 2013
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Why Wasn't I Warned Ahead of Time
by: Anonymous

Dated a guy a yr after he'd lost his wife of 20 years. He assured me that he was ready to move on, so we dated heavily for six months. When it was time for intimacy, I soon discovered a shrine of wedding pictures in his bedroom. After expressing my feelings and concerns, he said he understood and put them away because he wanted me happy. The following week after dinner, in the middle of 4P, I noticed all the pictures were on the wall again. He said that his 13 yr old had put them back. I left his house like a bat out of hell and never looked back! On my best day, I couldn't compare with his wife, be his mistress, be his counselor or fill the hole in his heart. He crossed my line of understanding and being patient by playing the 'woe is me' widower role.

Mar 05, 2013
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Dating Widower
by: Anonymous

I married a widower and his adult children made my life a living hell. I divorced and vowed never again. These men live in the past, will always be "married" to their 1st wife, and you will always be #4 as here is the hierachy:

1. The dead wife (and her family)
2. The kids (God knows they are still mourning their mom and need him)
3. Him
4. YOU

If you can embrace this heirachy, go for it. If you prefer to be #1 in a mans life run now while you still can, because if you stay too long they will cut you at the knees.

Oh, and just a post note: I found out AFTER the wedding that he bought a burial plot right next to hers. Even in death, I would have been alone!

Feb 17, 2013
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I was bit by a Black Widow too
by: Anonymous

I have been dating a Widower for the past five months. All was going amazingly well and then all of a sudden he stopped talking to me out of the blue. He has three kids and although I had not met them (which didn't bother me as I was the first person he had dated in three years since his wife's passing) the whole thing has left me hurt and confused. I fell hard and thought he was the one...........WOW, was I a fool.

Jan 10, 2013
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I agree
by: Anonymous

I am also dating a widower.... All I can add is that it is a roller coaster ride!!

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